Commiserating without alcohol: Grief and loss

Whether it’s drinking more to try and cope with feelings of loss and/or changes in our lives, or the conspicuous presence of booze at wakes or other similar events – it can be really challenging to avoid alcohol at this difficult time.

But it is possible. And approaching a funeral without alcohol or without feeling the need to drink more than you’d like has many benefits. First off, you may find it easier to cope with emotions on the day without alcohol’s effect on you. You may also find you’re better able to protect your mental health and not use alcohol as a crutch. And on the day, keeping a clear head at this time to say goodbye to a loved one can help you to feel more present in the moment and perhaps more clearly remember the moments you had together.

In this touching tribute to her mother, Adela shares her reasons for not drinking on the day of her mother’s funeral.

“My beautiful mother passed recently at the age of 87. She was like a movie star. Naturally her funeral - like most funerals - was filled with alcohol. People enjoying a fond farewell and 'crack' as they say in Ireland, (her homeland). I would have in the past always gravitated to that bar at the wake, a chance to binge drink in a farewell frenzy.

Yet I chose not to drink on this day. I wanted to wave my fabulous mother off looking and feeling my best. I wanted to really remember the things people said to me, I wanted to hear their thoughts, memories and feelings about my wonderful mother. I wanted to engage in the whole process of her passing.

Drinking blurs a lot of this out, it numbs feelings and drowns out vision, hearing, and processing. There are still times in my life when I desire to do this - but not on this day.

Alcohol is not the plaster for all ills and, in many circumstances, it takes away from the feelings you need to truly enjoy and benefit from within the experience itself. This leaves a void which carries regrets. Life is for remembering, preserving and nourishing our best moments. My mother was a movie star, and like all iconic movies, I didn't want to miss her last starring role. I toasted her better than I ever had that day without a drop, a tipple to remember.”

Losing a loved one can cause significant changes in our lives and can lead to painful thoughts and feelings. If you have experienced a loss or bereavement, speak to your doctor for advice and support. The British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy also has information and advice on its website, as well as a directory of counsellors near you. For further support with grief and loss, you can also call Cruse Bereavement Support’s free helpline on 0808 808 1677.